Relationships & communication

The 5 Love Languages

Gary Chapman

The secret to love that lasts: why husbands and wives can love each other sincerely and still miss, and how to learn the language your spouse understands

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  • Published 1992

Introduction

Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor and pastor, asks why love so often fades after the wedding. His answer is that people give and receive love in different ways, which he calls five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Each person has one primary language, husbands and wives seldom share it, and so sincere efforts often miss. The book shows how to find your own language and your spouse's, and argues that once the excitement of falling in love has faded, love becomes a daily choice to speak the other person's language.

The book has fourteen short chapters. The first three explain the “love tank” and why falling in love does not last; five chapters take one language each, with stories from Chapman's counseling; the rest cover how to find your primary language, love as a choice, what love makes possible, loving a spouse who is hard to love, and a short chapter on children. This summary follows the 2004 text, published as The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate; later editions, retitled The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, change some examples and chapters.

Notes: Chapman writes as a Christian pastor, and the book quotes the Bible in places; this summary keeps to his advice for married couples. The five languages are his own conclusion from about thirty years of marriage counseling, not the result of scientific research, and later research has found little support for its main claims. The “love tank” is a picture he took from the psychiatrist Ross Campbell. The Dari quotes are our own translation.

  1. 1Chapman argues that love often fades after the wedding not because people stop trying, but because husbands and wives speak different love languages
  2. 2He says everyone has an emotional “love tank,” and that the excitement of falling in love fills it only for a while; lasting love is a choice
  3. 3The first language is words of affirmation: compliments, encouragement, kind words and humble requests
  4. 4The second language is quality time: giving your spouse your undivided attention, in conversation and in shared activities
  5. 5The third language is receiving gifts: a gift is a visible sign that you were thought of, and the gift of your presence can matter most
  6. 6The fourth language is acts of service: doing the things your spouse would like done, freely and not under pressure
  7. 7The fifth language is physical touch: for some spouses, a hand held or an embrace speaks louder than any words
  8. 8To find your own primary language, Chapman suggests asking what hurts you most, what you ask for most, and how you usually show love
  9. 9Chapman insists that love is a choice, and that speaking your spouse's language when it does not come naturally is an even greater act of love
  10. 10Even when only one spouse is willing, Chapman says, speaking the other's language for six months can bring love back, though nothing is guaranteed

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The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: summary | Daridanesh