Relationships & communication

Crucial Conversations

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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  • 11 key ideas
  • Text
  • Published 2002

Introduction

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler argue that many of the chronic problems in our work, families and relationships come down to a handful of conversations: talks where the stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong. These are the moments when most of us either go quiet or push too hard. Drawing on some twenty-five years of studying the people their colleagues name as the most effective, the authors set out the skills those people use to keep talking honestly and respectfully at such moments.

The book is built around seven principles of dialogue, in this order: Start with Heart, Learn to Look, Make It Safe, Master My Stories, STATE My Path, Explore Others' Paths and Move to Action. It closes with advice for tough cases and a guide to putting the skills together. This summary follows the second edition (copyright 2012), which the authors updated with new research, reader stories and an afterword. The research figures in it are the authors' own reports.

  1. 1The authors argue that crucial conversations, where stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong, are the talks we handle worst, and that a great deal depends on them
  2. 2The authors say the most influential people refuse the Fool's Choice between honesty and respect, and keep meaning flowing into a Pool of Shared Meaning
  3. 3The authors' first principle, Start with Heart, asks you to work on yourself first, keep asking what you really want, and refuse the Fool's Choice by searching for the "and"
  4. 4The authors' second principle, Learn to Look, means watching not only what is said but whether people still feel safe, and catching the slide into silence or violence
  5. 5The authors' third principle, Make It Safe, starts by stepping out of the content and finding which condition is at risk: Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect
  6. 6To restore safety, the authors offer three skills: apologize when you have done wrong, use Contrasting to fix a misunderstanding, and use CRIB to create a Mutual Purpose
  7. 7The authors' fourth principle, Master My Stories, says that others do not make us angry: the stories we tell ourselves about what we see create our feelings, and we can retrace and retell them
  8. 8The authors warn against three clever stories, Victim, Villain and Helpless, which excuse our own behavior, and say the cure is to tell the rest of the story
  9. 9The authors' fifth principle, STATE My Path, gives five skills for saying risky things frankly and respectfully: share facts, tell your story, ask for others' paths, talk tentatively and encourage testing
  10. 10The authors' sixth principle, Explore Others' Paths, asks you to stay curious when others blow up or clam up, and to use four listening tools, AMPP, before you agree, build or compare
  11. 11The authors' seventh principle, Move to Action, separates dialogue from decision making: decide how to decide, then settle who does what by when and how you will follow up

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Crucial Conversations: summary | Daridanesh